The Best G.I. JOE Villains
This was a pretty cool list from Gunaxin. They busted out the top ten villains from the old animated G.I. JOE. I forgot about half the characters on this list. I think it is pretty solid. You should check out their site for the complete list. Here are a couple of samples:
- 10 - Tomax & Xamot. For those skirmishes that are not waged on the battlefield. Tomax and Xamot excelled in the white collar industries of banking and law, which soon became manipulation of the law and the (im)proper disbursement of funds. True evil genius worthy of Bond villainy. For an added quirk, the mirror image twins were psychically bonded to each other, having such pesky traits as completing each other’s sentences and sensing each other’s pain. Alright, so you may think they’re ponces. Consider this fact: possibly their coolest role in Cobra is being in charge of the bad-ass Crimson Guards. You have to do something right to be head of Cobra’s elite soldiers. At least I think you have to do something right. If you’re wondering who’s who, Xamot is the one with the scar. I’ll leave you with this rhyme:
Until now Joe’s had it easy,
But now it’s gonna get real hard!
Cobra’s hired,
Evil twin brothers,
Leaders of the Crimson Guard!
- 6 - Zartan. A master of disguise and a mercenary in every sense of the word, Zartan is multi-skilled individual loyal to one thing, money. He allied himself with his siblings and an Australian biker gang to make more of it. So to that extent, Cobra is just a means to a end and a way to buy more eye shadow so he can dress like Alice Cooper. That and hide the fact he’s allergic to sunlight. I wonder if he got any of that Vlad the Impaler DNA that Serpentor received.
- 3 - Cobra Commander. What? Cobra Commander at number three? Really? He was the definition of pure evil! Sort of. When I think of him, I do consider him to be a big bad guy. But he was also crazy. Loony bin crazy. I’m reminded of a quote from Austin Powers, “He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.” You get the idea that Cobra Commander would make claims like “We’re gonna blow up the Ocean!” Except no one was willing to stand up to his insanity so off they went. And one other negative, he’s never one to fail to blame his underlings. It gives way to such gems as “Morons! I have Morons on my payroll!”
- 1 - Destro. First off, in the G.I Joe theme song, it talks about fighting Cobra AND Destro. So they’re fighting an evil criminal organization and this one other dude. That makes him sound pretty important. Second, the man’s head is a freaking metal mask! Normally silver, but occasionally in gold. How can you beat that? There is no good thing about Destro. There is only AWESOME. He doesn’t have the psychosis of Cobra Commander, he’s not as over the top as Serpentor, and he landed the Baroness. I’m sold. He’s the real driving force behind Cobra. My only problem with Destro was that he was always referring to Cobra Commander as “my dear”. As in “my dear Cobra Commander”. Fruitcake. No wait, awesome fruitcake.
