Man versus nature…the battle continues! What with global warming, deforestation and the slaughter of millions of animals for food and fun, I assumed we were winning this epic struggle. Every once in a while nature decides to invade with some resistance force. Today, a group of highly trained, elite Cow soldiers escaped from a mobile holding cell and proceeded to establish a new base camp right on the QEW Westbound. This stopped the highway and crippled productivity for thousands of residents. Our local defense mounted a counter attack and were finally able to round up the cattle on side roads and bring order back to the area.

The Cows, once free, displayed their training by taking complete control of a major highway within moments. This attack served as a lesson in our lack of preparedness of enemy animal attacks. Although the Cows didn’t cause any civilian casualties, what would have happened if they managed to communicate to other Cows or their allies? Given their level of efficiency, they could have taken over most of east Mississauga/west Toronto before rush hour ended. The time has come to step up our efforts! Drive gas guzzlers, club baby seals and spray chemicals into the air. We cannot stray on the road to victory, lest Cows take over that road and stop us.